i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
