You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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