She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
