I didn't shave. On purpose
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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