Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
