can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
