im having a threesome with these popsicles
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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