Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i think i have herpe
just one?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
