I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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