i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
