She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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