I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
