put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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