I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
