party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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