i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
