Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
