just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
