At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
