I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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