my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
