I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
