i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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