I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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