So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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