I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
