I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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