plz talk dirty to me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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