Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
