I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
