No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Are my feet made of real feet?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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