ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
