i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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