I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just had sex on a roof
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I have post one night stand depression
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