11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
