i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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