Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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