First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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