What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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