According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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