He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
