I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
