He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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