I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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