the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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