booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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