We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
