I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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