Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
