why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
