I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
